Thursday, June 22, 2006
STILL FEELING SHITTY OH GOSH HELP ME...
Its been 2 week plus since last update.
And i can't help but feeling as shitty as before,
nothing seems to be able to brighten me up,
some stuff might makes me smile n laugh for that moment/period
but its only for that time period, at the end of the day its back to square one.
I am beginning to think that it is all my fault.
I was wrong to trust him.
I was wrong to believed in him.
I was wrong to be worried for his safety
where i can assume he bring the girl out for some rendezvous session.
I was wrong to let myself be treated like monkey by him.
I was wrong to be treated like a fool.
I was wrong being so naive.
I was wrong to believes in this thing called -friendship.
I was wrong to trust people so easily.
Its all my fault, entirely mine FAULT.
Felt defeated, battled, slammed, discarded, lousy and disgusting.
Recently, I begin to compared my old self and current self.
The 'ME' 2 years ago and the present 'ME' 2 yrs later.
The one who believes in love who believes in miracles
the one who believes in sowing and not expecting returns.
The one who believes in giving his all and best in what he felt worthy of doing.
The one who believes in forgives and forget.
The one who believes in the saying that treat people what you want them onto you.
The one who believes that making his friends around him happy is where his happiness flows
Joy cometh from people around him.
NOW.
I am wavering.
I am tired of giving always, I also want to be the recieving side.
I am tired of giving in all the times.
I begin to wonder why should i be treating people nicely when they dun care a damm nor
do they treat me well enough in the first place.
Why should i be making people around me happy, why can't they?
I am getting scare and afraid of myself,
I despise myself for what i've become.
I want to be the old me again but i can't
I am trying very hard but i failed.
Where is the full of love 'ME'!!!
And that makes me think of GOD's Love, his everlasting love for us.
HE could actually forgive zillions time out of grace compassion and love for the person.
Of course because HE is GOD , but i fathom at it.
Its really very hard for us mere Man to do it.
I for one cannot, there is a limit and i already reached my limit long time ago, or do i say 2 years ago?
Strange right?
I can do it last time why can't i do it now.
It happens before right, why it could not happen now?
I SUX.
Woah, scrolling upwards was a long way and guess i am grumbling too much and have yet to reach the updates of my life. Oh well, anyway there's nothing much to updates in the first place. I am leading such a mundane lifestyle right now in the "very green" pastures right.
Errr, oh yeah busy in the "green pastures" which kinda pissed as why am i still so busy when i am in the so called ORD mood. What the heck are the rest of them doing slacking one corner.
They better wake up their ideas and get working else they will die and not knowing why.
Yeah the range is coming up tats why i am busy.
Erm jus pluck 2 of my wisdom tooths last friday, which i dun feel pain at all.
All the cocks and bulls about pain is bullocks.
Cos from the moments i am out , the anesthesia is finished, i am not feeling any Pain at all.
Am i normal?
Haaaa
Well you bet i am damm normal, think the doc is doing a great job then.
Anyone interested pls contact me for more info on the doc.
So yeah was MC till tue, went back to the "green" on tue nite, back again on wed nite cos thurs which is ermm today, gotta go sentosa not for fun but to recce ground for out bty outing next mth. It better be fun cos its a long long long ..time since we had one or ... none before!!!
Did i say long long time?
YEAH ITS LONG OR RATHER FIRST TIME EVER.
So yeah that pratically wrap up this whole week events.
Oh ya, removing the sitches in my mouth this fri.... i pretty sure it gonna be painful.
Hehzzz
Ok now i remember, saw my ex tuition student, Alston the cute cousin of brendon n colin!!!
Yeah actually both Alston n Brendon is cute.
Okay enuff or ppl will start to think the wrong way....
Was pretty surprised to see him, he have grown taller and cuter and single too...
He was working part time giving pamphlets.... Sec 4 now 'N' Level this year.
Arrrr... the good old times when i was teaching them tuitions...
Guess i have type enuff for the day, till more updates if ever stuff happens in this mundane life...
5 more working days to ORD
*Angeloffriends*
was craving the OC on
12:49 AM and they said..
Sunday, June 04, 2006
FEELING SHITTY
yeah as the heading suggests , i am feeling shitty these days.
Some stuff happens and its jus all bad stuff and nothing really good happens.
Well, the great prison i once claim to be jus getting bad. Worst is soon.
With a rigid Boss is already making life difficult for many of them.
A bias Big Boss and easily pulled by the ears by others one is bad enuff.
Now with a Stupidest SM idiot, everything is wrong liao.
I mean being stupid if u r good n nice in treating others, ppl with still respect u or rather help u in areas lacking but instead of that he treats ppl below him like dirt, call ppl as if calling a dog...
Come on... we r all humans, all hav parents too asshole...
Oh and he luvs apple polishing his "god father"... rsm
i mean why cant ppl clear off on life run days where they got no others free time to clear.
I mean is that so hard to acc for to ur "god father"?
Lame shit lar
Also whats the point of having first parade where no snr spec nor officers is ard ...
U cld come at 8am and us be at office by 7.30am
And making ppl to indent ration when they dun even wan to eat lar...
I mean they r saving $ and risk of never scan for u ... and here u r wanting them to indent and every now n then scare of this n that.
The new 2IC wanting to change this and that now...
Life jus getting bad with all these...
Its still ok for me as i clearing soon but for the rest they r poor thing.
Went to thailand for a holisday trip with kuku ivan , tze feng , darren .
Hai~ ups n downs
Having fun and thrill as its my first time there
shopping is definitely fun as its so cheap
Dreamworld is fun n cool but it cld go up a level if not for me getting giddy with jus a ride
if only my brain balancing is good
the trans show is nice too... Miss Tiffany is so pretty
If i see them on road i really dun know they r fake woman at all...
They r even more perfect or more woman than real woman
Eye Opening sia...
But the trip something bad happen
I was fooled like a monkey around by KUKU they all...
They lied abt ivan missing in order they cld hang ard the patpong bar longer
I was like freaking worried lar..
Cos tat kuku hp is with me as mine is un workable
N rite after the call his hp went flat n dead on me...
Imagine upon receiving such call n the hp went dead hw freaking worried u be for a friend esp in a foreign country somemore its thailand with the current situation on TV plus i was lost myself too in somewhere i still dunno where and gt a weird stalker indian man lar.... so scary and i got to worried for a frend
Hw pissed off u cld get when u know its a lied n plot n frend did tat to u fooling u ard
Hw cld frends did it to frends one
Angry and more of dissappointed and sad lar
So angry i got to cut myself to relieve myself of the anger n sadness
felt betrayal
felt fooled
felt sad
i dunno wat to do
i am breaking down
Naive of me to trust friendship
Naive of me to trust him again n again whenever he ask me to believe him trust him
Naive of me stupid me.... the cut is reminder for me of tis
Never never to be a fool again
i got a feelings i be the one to give in again to forget n forgive him treating everything never happens before
i dun wan it to happen
i dun wan to give in on tis
i hated it
i cannt take it down being fooled n lied to
he ought to do something
i dunno wat but i knw he need to
He shld at least say sorry i mean really sorry
Not say for the sake of saying
he shld felt sorry for it deep inside
i wan to see sincerity from him
hai~
watched a korean movie called -S Dairy
it basically said abt the woman who was ditched by her bf and when she reflected by on her dairy from her first luv onwards till now.... and she plotted a revenge from all of them
She wanted them to pay $ for all the stuff brought n used n sex n hotel
And the ending was nice
She realised that the memories she wanted to forget all the bad one esp
cannot cos actually deep down is herself who cannot forget
The memories is not hers alone is hers n the guys.
Blah blah blah
So she gave the memories (dairy) n stuff to them to share
She get freedom n release from then on
I dunno hw to put it but yeah something like it...
I get something thru it too
Some issues somethings i wanted to forget i cant
cos deep down i dun let go
It make me realised too
i decided to free myself
give myself n him another chance
i dunno if i can do it but i think i try.
i know it will be hard ahead.
But something he did actually touches me greatly,
n it shows hw tresured a frend i am to him
11 June this date i will never forget
n i think tis date shall be the date i settled it
hehzzz
tis date he actually rush dwn rite after nite shift work in the morning to send me to tekong
N its from jurong island
When he knew i went in alone
Wat a frend rite
Guess i shall be not angry anymore.
May GOD help me
Tml is my cute cousin wedding dinner (the good looking twin, one of them)
think i shall give it a miss bah...
Too rush and dun wan to spend my booking in nite to go such stuff with big bags ...
Plus dun like such big event, all the goood looking cousins felt so impale ard them and also too many ppl n dun know them at all...
Hahss seem weird rite
Relatives n i say dun know them
Yeah cos my mother side i got abt 60 plus cousins
We only got to meet like once a yr or never cos either they went on the first day of new yr or second thus if we went on the first day i wont see the second day one
Even first day diff timing plus
Too many diff to communicate
I only close to the family tat is getting married tml.
Nah dun like such event
Still
Congratulations Cousin.
Phew gtg sleep liao haaa
16 more working days to clearing ORD lohzzz...
*Angeloffriends*
was craving the OC on
3:21 AM and they said..
