-----The Oc Life----

Sunday, October 10, 2004

LiFe is MeAnInGlEss and NOT WorTH LiVing.......

now is Oct 10 -sunday, it had been a week since i been in SISPec for my posting.
in case no one knows wat the hell is SISPEC .. it is a command school for specialist where the future sergant would be train there.

I have pass out from TEkong BMT on 24/9 . Initially, thinking tat i would die there from the torture n stuff but i have survived !!!
lemme see.... i had lost 14kg , great buddy -ziqiang, great section mates n platoon mates.Sergants are not bad compared to other company, had a great deal of fun together... from a everything dunno to know everything. From cannot do pull up , run 2.4km to pass our IPPT, n many many things...etc...

During BMT , we are asked to express interest (EI survey) whether we interested to be a commander / going to command sch, and were told tat if we said we are not interested we will not be posted there. YEt dunno wat the dammn hell happen where i and a few posted to SISPEC whereas others with the same decision as us goes to Air FOrce to be MEn.. currently 8am to 5pm work , 5 half day wk after 5wks get corporal rank, 5 day wk n posted to nearest air base frm their home. Where me gt to suffer for 10wks get corporal rank stay in for 5 half day wk n may continue another 10wks of more suffering to get sergant rank. which tat is not wat i wan nor i chose to be intially... tat is not my will.... i chose dunwan command sch why the hell give me in the end...
ARENT tat CHEATING !!!!!

In the one wk at SIspec, my mirgrain tat had been controlled, since i started seeing my doc for 7 yrs is back...
everyday i having a bad bad bad mirgrain, n i develop insomia ... plus my ankle is still not recovered. (fell frm staircase a mth ago)
I felt so pressurised n stress n tense there... the responsibility, the dunno wat will happen to u next feeling, to imagine u be responsible for the live of 6 men next time! OMG, u do wrong stuff confinement sign extra, alot of test test test...... i am breaking dwn.
Maybe one day maybe i may jus jump frm my bunk n my pic jus appear in the obituries!!!!

the Sergant there look at u as if u are "CK" (chao keng)- act sick
playing mind games.... tat look send chill dwn the spine

i jus dunno wat to do with myself

PeoPle had been telling me it be fine..... u will pull thru, u jus not use to it
jus tolerate n it be thru in 10 wks etc....
hai~ i could only say.... u r not me u dun understand me
some say GOD had a plan for putting u there jus pray
i knw ... as a christian i know, i had never doubted GOD or questioned HIM
I knw God had a purpose n i prayed for answer to be revealed to me. i jus dun understand why n wanted to be clear of the doubts. i receieved both GRace n kindness, good n bad frm HIM my heavenly father above whom gave me salvation

Why is light given to those in misery,
and life to the bitter of soul,
to those who long for death that does not come,
who search for it more than for hidden treasure,
who are filled with gladness and
rejoice when they reach the grave?
Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden,
Whom GOd had hedged in?
For sighing comes to me instead of food;
my groans pour out like water.
What i feared has come upon me;
what i dreaded has happened to me.
i have no peace, no quietness;
i have no rest, but only turmoil.
Job 3,20-26

*Angeloffriends*
was craving the OC on
6:09 PM and they said..